♪ "I've Stumbled Here, Failed to Make It Mine.." ♪

I try to keep Penny Lane light and fluffy. You know, life, at times, isn’t so light and fluffy. I’m finding that we, you and I, need to have a heart to heart. Mostly because I am carrying something that I need help to shoulder and I find that Penny Lane always lends a helping hand.

I have not been myself as of late. I have always had a “weight issue”. Join the club right? I have always been plump. I fluctuate, sometimes more and sometimes less. The thing is, I have always felt really crappy about me. I never feel comfortable in my skin. Two years ago I joined Weight Watchers with my best friend and I lost about 42 pounds I still didn’t feel comfortable in me. I looked better, yes, but I guess it really just all starts from within.

Lately, I have been really down about me. I have gained back about 15 of the original 42 lost and I have tried to get back on WW twice. I just end up quitting for one reason or the other. Lately, I don’t want to look in the mirror, I don’t want to go out with friends, I don’t want to meet new friends, I stress and am constantly at war with my mind because I feel like crap about ME. About how I look.

When I do go out, I notice people, of all kinds, going about their business. They look so at peace with themselves. They are comfortable in their own skin and I just wish and think to myself: How do you get there? How does one achieve that? And most importantly, why can’t I?

Today I was speaking to a foreign co-worker and he told me that he was coming to town in August and he thinks I should lose about ten pounds before he gets here. I think he was trying to be funny. I didn’t laugh. I was angry at him. I really don’t think that is proper work place conversation, not to mention, it's none of his business, number one, and number two, it hurt me.

I cried in my work loo and I feel like shit even more.

A few months ago I was reading a fellow bloggie buds blog and it was harshly judging plump folks and the severely overweight. I left no comment because, as a member of plump, I don’t judge. I try to always find the beauty in EVERYONE.

The funny thing is, most times I can’t find it in me.
*lyrics from Plump by Hole

2 comments:

The Bumbles June 25, 2010 at 1:21 PM  

Gah. People. Why are there so many idiots?

Penny.

Darling.

Andre Agassi was wrong. Image ISN'T everything. At least not on the outside. It all stems from the INSIDE. And since what you share with us here are your inner thoughts and expressions of them, I would say that you are incredible.

I do know how you feel however. I get it. It is hard avoiding being in photos all the time. It is hard staring at clothes that keep getting smaller. It is wicked annoying to see happy beautiful people all around you. You don't need to be skinny to be happy. But you do need to find out what is keeping you from being happy. On the inside. Because you don't have any chance at good physical health if your emotional health is crippled.

Come share with me. This Bumble doesn't bite. She only hugs.

An Eerie Tapestry June 29, 2010 at 9:02 AM  

Felt really sorry for you reading this, and meant to comment earlier, but I was worried I'd just talk in platitudes or end up quoting Christina Aguillera's 'Beautiful' at you.

I can understand you being disappointed about putting on weight again (though cut yourself some slack, that's what happens with most people who lose weight), though I'm not sure why you feel uncomfortable about yourself (as you said, a shame you can only see the beauty in others). There's nothing wrong with being plump, and people are so much more than their weight. Not wanting to go out or meet new friends seems only more likely to make you feel more miserable about yourself.

I realise that it's easy for me to say these things, and please don't think I'm being judgemental. Just hope things improve for you, you deserve to be happy.

 
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