Painfully Honest...


I had to share this with my darling bloggy buds because frankly, I have been mulling it over in my head for days now and blogger is my therapist of sorts. Since Christmas this has been bothering me. Eating a small piece of my heart. Please listen.



I had to endure my in-laws at Christmas. They are not so nice at times and we don't have the best track record. I really feel like I have to be someone completely different around them. I am someone else in their presence...Good thing I was a drama nerd in high school. I have to be something that they like and accept. It's exhausting. But it has become a cycle now..for ten years, this is what I do.


So, something that was said to me during holiday festivities just etched itself onto my brain and has created a nudge into my life. You know how this happens...I bet if you all just stopped and thought about it you could pick several random occasions or a line that someone said to you that you remember as clear as the day it happened...and the feelings associated with that phrase are still fresh..even if it happened in the third grade and you are 43 right now.


Here goes:

Scene: Family room. Me-Seated next to Father in law.


I was asked what I received for Christmas. Easy enough, right?

Well I answered: "A new acoustic guitar"

The response: *Raised eyebrow. Then pointing at my pullover which had written, very tiny in the left hand corner: Jimmy Eat World* "Aren't you getting a little old for that stuff?"


Me: "Guitar playing? Or being a fan of music?"

Response: "Both" *include shitty look here*

Me: "Never sir."

Response: "Are you sure? Maybe you should think about that" *snorted laugh*

SCENE


Okay, I may be closing out my twenties here but I didn't realize that being creative or artsy was defined as being childish. I was raised in a musical household, music is my life. It is a part of me, now even more so with my guitar playing and writing and most importantly it makes me happy. How can this be childish? Where is the line drawn? I am always reading as well..does this make me childish and irresponsible in some way/shape/form? When did hobbies become childish? Who is anyone to pass judgement on something that makes someone else happy.

I guess the underlying issue with this entire rant is this: This is a huge part of me and that statement clearly speaks volumes. It says: You, as You, are not acceptable. Burn.

I don't feel I need to explain myself to anyone.

I know this shouldn't bother me.

But I carry it now.

Merry effin' Christmas.


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10 comments:

The Mrs. December 30, 2009 at 12:06 PM  

oh the line that you just replay in your head. that my friend sucks

I dont get your in laws. I just dont, your an amazing person and they just dont seem to get it.but if it helps, I think your just dandy. And its rather impressive that you can play the guitar.

Rabbit December 30, 2009 at 12:30 PM  

Ohhh darlin'... I am so sorry this happened to you. What a butthead. I know just what you mean about music. I would go mad without it as well. When I was in jail, the lack of music is the one thing - not the food, the confinement, the not smoking - the no music is what just about did me in. And in dude jail in Texas you aren't really a wise one to walk about singing all the time. Thank heavens I have a jukebox in my head.

But anyway - I know it's easier said than done, bebe, but try not to let Mr. Assmonkey get to you. I hope I NEVER get "too old" for making or loving music - for believing in the magic around us - for dancing - for colouring outside the lines - for laughing too loud - and living too hard. You shouldn't either.

You would think he was getting a little old for being such a disparaging prick - but apparently he's not too old for that, either.

Keep the faith, dearheart. Believe in pink (the colour not the singer, though I do enjoy her too). And play to your heart's content.

- Rabs

The Bumbles December 30, 2009 at 3:46 PM  

Hmmm.

1. Music - creating, playing or listening to - is not immature or something you outgrow.
2. Sounds like he feels your choice in music is childish - thinking you are trying to be a rock star instead of focusing on a "real job"
3. Maybe he needs to get an i-pod.
4. You should feel sorry for what he is missing out on instead of angry about what he thinks.
5. Next year write him a song for Christmas to change his mind.
6. We love you just the way you are.

briarrose86304 December 30, 2009 at 4:33 PM  

*hugs* I know all too well how you feel... most of my moments like that come from my mother in law.

I try to always remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." When harsh or demeaning words are spoken, we can choose how much power they have over us.

Creativity is our lifeblood... it's not really a choice for us. I hope that someday they can see you for the amazing and talented person that you are, one who I am so honored to call friend.

You are brilliant and amazing. Try to make that one of those statemnts that stick.

<3 you!

B December 30, 2009 at 4:33 PM  

Two things.

Don't change. What ever you do, don't change. It won't make them happy so make yourself happy.

Secondly, studies have shown that people who are creative, musical or otherwise, and continue to learn through out life have better memory and mental capacity as the age and lower risk for diseases. This coupled with your love of animals means you'll be mental and physically healthier. So they can look forward to early senility. *sticks tongue out and gives them raspberries*

Penny December 30, 2009 at 4:34 PM  

Lea-We need to talk.

Rabs- I heart you

M & A-I love the writing him a Christmas song idea :) ha ha ha
How devilishly delightful :)

Thank you guys :)

Penny December 30, 2009 at 4:39 PM  

B-You are too cute. I love the fact about animal love <3
You're the best :)

Rach- <3 <3 <3 to you :)
I like that quote. I have read that before but I always seem to forget that one. My pick me up song after these visits is "Don't Rain On My Parade"..ha ha..it goes something along the lines of what you said. I blared it and belted it out all the way home yesterday. I felt slightly better.
Thank you for your kind words..I'm gonna make those stick!

jessie December 30, 2009 at 6:28 PM  

ummm bud. i like you just the way you are :) see, i did read your blog.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit December 30, 2009 at 6:29 PM  

Penny, stone the crows: I'd have had a hard time not decking him if he'd said that to me!

I'm in my 30s and I needs me my music. It soothes my soul. I would go mad without it. All of it, from Billie Holiday to Ned's Atomic Dustbin, from Elvis to... well you get the picture. Some days I need to get all emo with The Smiths, others I need to rock out with someone a little less... well, emo!

It's a cliche that it's his loss, not yours. But it *is*. He's the one missing out on both music and a meaningful relationship with you.

Like the Rabbit says, isn't *he* the one getting a little old for that sort of behaviour?

Burkey January 4, 2010 at 11:49 AM  

I hate moments like that, I've had a few. One thing about my personality, for better or for worse, is that I will always defend what I believe in and usually thus create an argument of some sort, or agree to disagree.

I have to say though, trying to claim that you can ever be too old to play music or follow the music scene is positively absurd. I don't even know how it could be debated. :)

 
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