I had to share this with my darling bloggy buds because frankly, I have been mulling it over in my head for days now and blogger is my therapist of sorts. Since Christmas this has been bothering me. Eating a small piece of my heart. Please listen.
I had to endure my in-laws at Christmas. They are not so nice at times and we don't have the best track record. I really feel like I have to be someone completely different around them. I am someone else in their presence...Good thing I was a drama nerd in high school. I have to be something that they like and accept. It's exhausting. But it has become a cycle now..for ten years, this is what I do.
So, something that was said to me during holiday festivities just etched itself onto my brain and has created a nudge into my life. You know how this happens...I bet if you all just stopped and thought about it you could pick several random occasions or a line that someone said to you that you remember as clear as the day it happened...and the feelings associated with that phrase are still fresh..even if it happened in the third grade and you are 43 right now.
Scene: Family room. Me-Seated next to Father in law.
I was asked what I received for Christmas. Easy enough, right?
Well I answered: "A new acoustic guitar"
The response: *Raised eyebrow. Then pointing at my pullover which had written, very tiny in the left hand corner: Jimmy Eat World* "Aren't you getting a little old for that stuff?"
Me: "Guitar playing? Or being a fan of music?"
Response: "Both" *include shitty look here*
Me: "Never sir."
Response: "Are you sure? Maybe you should think about that" *snorted laugh*
Okay, I may be closing out my twenties here but I didn't realize that being creative or artsy was defined as being childish. I was raised in a musical household, music is my life. It is a part of me, now even more so with my guitar playing and writing and most importantly it makes me happy. How can this be childish? Where is the line drawn? I am always reading as well..does this make me childish and irresponsible in some way/shape/form? When did hobbies become childish? Who is anyone to pass judgement on something that makes someone else happy.
I guess the underlying issue with this entire rant is this: This is a huge part of me and that statement clearly speaks volumes. It says: You, as You, are not acceptable. Burn.
I don't feel I need to explain myself to anyone.
I know this shouldn't bother me.
But I carry it now.
Merry effin' Christmas.