"Don't It Feel Like Sunshine After All?"

So, all the big plans I had for this weekend?? Yeah...didn't happen. My tummy has been hurting and I am finding that lots of activities do not help. I ended up hanging out with my Brudder and Jzill on Friday. Saturday I did nothing but attend Steel Magnolias at Hubs school. (It was amazing. The students are so freaking talented). Today, the same. I have been sitting about watching Ally McBeal season one trying to avoid thinking about the Barium solution I have to drink in the morning...and the uncomfortable test I will be getting. Then I have a special appointment later that afternoon that I can not elaborate on at this time but I will say it involves a bit of studying. Which I have also been avoiding. With this event tomorrow comes lots of thoughts:

I feel like I am being pressured to grow up right now. I don't really want to grow up. I don't understand why a lot of other folks insist on this. Is it really all it's cracked up to be? Sweater cardigans, wine, fine china and talking about "the kids" and vacations. I don't fit in here. In fact, I really don't know where I fit in most days. The majority of the time I feel like I just fit into my own little world. People come and visit at times but most just raise an eyebrow and wonder why I don't fit into the cookie cutter shape. Wife, Almost Thirty, College Grad, Professional, GROWN UP. Everyone else my age seems so old to me.

If things go well at this appointment it could be a start of a new life. Why does this freak me out? I think because I am scared of change, I am scared that I will have to hide who I really am for most of the day, I am scared of losing several friends that I don't know how I have managed to get on without all this time...now that we have found each other...it seems over, I am just scared.

So with all of this said and everyone completely confused and bewildered and probably a little depressed I say good night. I have to get up extra, extra early tomorrow and I am looking a pile of amp chords, my guitar and tabs that I need to clean up before bedtime.

Good talk.

*lyrics by jim adkins


BeckEye October 12, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

Don't grow up. It's overrated. Not that I would know. :)

Ashley October 12, 2009 at 4:24 PM  

Just going to say I love, love love you! regardless of you growing up!

The Bumbles October 13, 2009 at 10:52 AM  

Well I'm not sure what you've got going on over there Penny my dear. But I wish you luck with it. You do what you need to do and you'll find that someone will be there to support you. Feeling out of place is no fun. I can relate.

I always am shocked when I compare my life to what my parents were doing at my age. Or even when I compare my sister-in-law who is 6 years younger than me to what I'm doing. I think most of this stems from the fact that I am childless in a world full of parents. I often get resentment or elitist feelings. Sometimes I get pity. I feel like I have to make excuses for why I do what I do or don't do sometimes. Other times I just roll with it. Some day I may be a parent too. Until then I do what I want as I find my way.

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